rebellious..am i?

i am rebel to myself right now, rebel to everyone. i can't really control myself right now, but somehow i still can control myself not to touch ded thing.. yeah, coz i do promise to my moms ded i won't take it anymore eventhough when i am alone ... i use to think bout it..ermmm.. i wonder why dis happens to me again.. i dun mean to blame him the one ded i still couldnt forget.. but after he left me... i feel lost n think bad thing bout myself.. i feel annoyed wif myself... i hate myself.. why i couldnt be like her? am i ded bad?? oh shit.. i dun like to think dis way.. but dis is wat happen to me.. itz about 3 month i am single.. woww.. quite long period i guess.. y? wat happen? yeah.. i still couldnt open up my heart to anyone..anyone.. perhaps i just have crush.. but not love at all.. n bcoz of ded. i tend to be so stupiiiiiiiiddd.. u i hate ded facts ok?sometimes i keepp shouting to myself!! hey i am not anyone dolll ok? i have hearts.. i have feels.. i can cry i can laugh n i can tear apart if someone hurt me.. but why do they don't see it? am i doll to them??? am i ded jerk.. OMG, i feel bad bout it.. all i ever wanted is LOVE ... not anything else.. stop treating me like ded... y me?? y not the other women?? pls do respect me.. respect my feelingss.. why people around me love fooling me around? or am i the one who stupid or wat?? yeah, i admit ded.. yes rite now, anyone approach me i accept if u just wanna fooling around wif me coz i realize about me, myself.. i am single, so i can do anything ded i like, i 've got no bf to protect me to be wif me.. so who care??? so let me just be like dis,,, until i get tired of myself.. i am tired of loving people.. he is the last person ded i really fall in love.. which is a mystery love.. but i am truly love himm.. which i being cruel to myself.. i shouldnt love him too much!!1 i am not anyone to him, perhaps just as stupid bitch!!!! i hate dis factss.. i admit ded.. when i am alone.. wat i think is.. wat will happen to people around me if i am not around anymore,, can i just leave dis world and let myself rest.. but, i know ded,, if i leave dis world.. my family may be dissapointed bout diss.. yes, becoz of them becoz of my family.. i still here and still protect myself.. yup, i am a bad girll.. but i am still a girl who have faith..n i love myself.. dun fool me again coz i promised ded i'll no fall to anyone hands anymore even how weak, stupid am i...


p/s: still have faith in me.. i hope so..
oh god, pls make me forget about him, n let them happy together..
oh god, dun let me be a spoiled in their relationship.. both couple who live happily all dis while.
oh god, pls show me.. who is the person who really love me.. love who am i.. not myself physically.. show me...

M.I.A.. y??

missing in action, y?? ohh.. itz been so long i haven't update my blog.. itz not becoz i am lazy or wat.. it is just because of the connection here,, n the most important thing is, i am actually avoiding myself writing about him, someone ded i miss,.. stop22 i shoudnt think about him.. i am loser, deds the reality..
btw, i really miss to write the bitter sweet of my life.. the sweet ded is still vivid on my mind until now is celebrating new year of 2010 at pd with k.ena n her famliy.. i was so hapy for ded short vacation.. n at the same time, i wish kak nadea also should be around.. but she's not in malaysia.. no worries. i am waiting for her.. i want to see n meet her of course.. it iz very good if i can met ur family altogether, but actually i can't because i can't see him.. hurrmmm... ;(

the bitter?? itz too many la... i shouldnt write bout it.. huhuhu.. watever it is, i always trying my best to make myself happy and not to live in the sadness again.. n i always use the bitter to be the guide for my own future..


how are u,efy??? do u have any crush now? someone asked me ded..n i'll answer.. i am fine.. crushh? oh no, i shouldnt have once.. coz i'm afraid, they will play my heart n use me again.. yeah, there is someone boyfee in my life rite now ded i think he is important for me,, but somehow.. i can't have those special feelings to him. he already have his own gf.. n i should respect ded.. owh, yeess.. we are getting closer actually, but i am trying to run away from him, i can't really be wif him actually, i shoudnt .. oh no, i dun wanna be the stupid bitch again, of course..so efy u have to stop it la!!! ok?? ermm...


study??
owh, i like dis sem subjects especially language society and language communication..
itz interesting..but, there is something ded make me worried n give me stress actually,well.. i have to repeat my muet again n i hope for dis time i would not get band 3 again.. if not i'll be thrown away from dis course!! oh no!!!! i dun want it to happen to me.. of course not.. oh god, pls help, guide me.. n also my frens.. kpm is craz n cruel, thats it.. only in this year we were given those chance or not.. hmmm...


my personality??
itz still the same, i still known as efy yg kalut2.. n my dressing?? itz still the same.. got no idea on changing it..hahaha

deds all i think... hmm..



p/s: hey u..thanks for making me smile again.. n u.. i'm trying to forget bout u.. even itz still hard for me... i hope u r now happy with ur life.. n u r happy with her coz i know.. she is the best for u.. insyaAllah.. ;)

my activities during semester break..

well, i think it is about the end of semester break, sometimes i feel happy n excited to start on new semester but sometimes i feel like can i have a few more days for holidays??? do u feel the same? or only me.. yeah..itz bcoz i just spend a few days with my family coz of few reasons.. now i am already at shah alam n keep on missing my family.very much... insyaAllah, at the end of january i am going back! but for dis semester i can't go back to much as always bcoz i really have to save my money..coz i am not staying in mawar anymore.. but in crystal.. so there will be a lotz of money to be use..

ahaaa.. i think i am not that bored during dis holidays just a certain days where i got nothing to do n suffering migrain.. migrain oh migrain.. itz getting worst?? no la.. itz one of my routine.. hahah..yeah, i had spent a quality time wif my moms especially.. we hang out together almost everyday, we chatting together, we cook together, being housewife together n lotz more.n i love ded moment.. actually during dis holiday, we share a lotz of thing togther since i've got no shoulder to cry on..yes, i have sis n frenz but everyone is busy..so i just have my moms who always there beside me.. it was one day where i was sitting alone n cry.. n den she comes to me n comfort me, i cried n shout to her, moms am i nasty? am i useless? why he doesnt love me, why he cheat me?? why me??? she said wat u think is wrong.. itz not ur fault n he just dont't know exactly who r u... but, moms i do make a big mistakes n itz shows how fool i am.. n my moms said everyone makes mistakes n become the most stupid person n blind coz of love.. but make sure after dis u dont do it anymore ok?i ask my moms.. if u are one of my lover, wat do u like about me? n wat is special about me? n she said.. u r olwez being honest, loyal n the most important thing is u r so brave..itz good to know ded.. but why don't see it? feel it? yes i know ded sometimes i dun follow wat they said.. n want.. i just being who i am.. hmm.. all dis while after my heart broke into pieces my moms is the one who give me more n more attention n i love ded..

owh yeah as usual, after having lunch or work out, she will play my favorite song ded is my grandfathers clock n i'll sing.. itz one of my precious moment wif her.. owh, i wish i could play the piano as good as her..i always miss the moment....

msa raya nie actually dgn piano kesayangan, btw,xsbr tunggu yang blk.. abgku yg terer main piano..huhu


really.. n the other activities is..shopping!! hehheheeh where?? tesco la of course.. but, for dis hols i didnt ask her to cook for me ikan salmon yg plek tp cdap tue.hahah coz itz too expensive now... wuaaa.. lapa ikan salmon.. huhu

aaa.. wat about my family activities?? owh yeah.. watching movies n football sometimes wif my dad la.. hahah kna urut dia smbil tgk tue.huhu.. n dgr dia main gitar.. hehehe.. best22.. aaa.. wat about wif those kids?? boy slalu kna blasah sbb degil sgt,haha... ermm.. i spend some of the time wif my lil brother.. wat are we doing actually?? watching ben10? yes one of it.. but actually i teach him painting.. itz been a long time i havent touch my painting beg.. so, coz i believe ded husin really love painting so i let him use my material.. n you know wat he's very good in drawing n painting,, heheh.. i love arts so much.. so do my family?of course la.. we loves music, arts..

wat about vacation? yes, we went to one of kolam air panas in baling during midnight.. together wif my cousins n some of my brother frens.. yes, it is fun.. but...oooo..itz secret.. hahaha..n as i promised to his moms.. visiting them in alam megah..but on ded that day cik yati was not in a good condition, but alhamdulillah, after a few days she is totally fine, after i talk to her,i felt relief to hear ded.... really thankful for ded.. ;)n g gombak mlwat sahabat2 lama mak.. n also bekas mak mentua xjadi.. dgn fmily dia skali.. but not my xbf tue la.. he's not there n i have'nt inform it to him..hahaha..itz better for us not to see each other..

dating??owh excuse me..no la..on 20th of disember.. i got two invitation.. not really a reunion i think bcoz not all of my clasmate attend it,,huhu.. n one more is bbq wif frenz from my previous school.. i feel so great coz i manage to attend both of the invitation.. n it iz fair rite.. owh, yeah. i feel so happy on ded day.. i met my frens who already get marry!n i am happy for her.. they have become a very sweet couple during school times n now both of them are destined to be together..itz very good to hear ded.. ;).. on the same day, i have met someone who i shouldnt met wif.. owh, itz him.. argghh.. but the sweet thing happen between us is when we walked together n he shows me his watch n during ded time itz stop moving. n he said. romantic x kita jam bob mati d sni..hahha.. den he just give me a sweet smile n ask me to take care n ust go away.. i was actually fight the feeling, yes as usual i'll get shiver when i met him.. coz i can't go back to him... watever it is..i keep remind to myself the words ded one of my bestfrens told me..n i made it i think even not all of dem..

bbq d umh azie.. thx for inviting! ;)



foohh.. i can meet some of my old frens ,but some how i can't meet her.. maya my bestfrens.. i miss her so much.. on the day ded she is in kedah, i was not around.. i'm here already in shah alm.. i hope someday i could see her again.. i miss all of my frens actually.. hoping ded we can see each other again...

attending kenduri?? of course laa.. see am i getting fat?? hahaha.. n the most funny is attending one of my neighbor wedding.. mmg sya gelak besar bila tgk eddy aka pak nan toran bersanding.. well, umh dia dpn umh ja kot.. dk men keta tamia skali dluw.. hahaha.. xsangka dh kwen.. tp bfore weddinng tue, mlm2 tue dia dk blagak cm bujang ja lepak2 lg dgn jiran lain.. hahaah..pstue hari wedding tue apek(slh sorank jiran kt ctu) col nanges2 sbb x;eh blk.. padahal bila dk dkt, gado2.. hahah.. ded is frenship rite.. heheh

well, dgn lala, mama n girl?? hehe.. dgn lala tue tgk cita hindustan la.. tgk choti bahu ptg3..adeh.. addict la plak.. dgn girll.. gosip n gado.. hahah.. tp bila jauh.. she do care about me a lotz.. huhuhu... dgn mama?? goy issues wif her..huhuhu

ok... i just write a few of it.. tired already!huhu

p/s: i miss u.. forgive for loving u too much..

forgive n forget me..

1st of all, i would like to tell u the most important point ded become a questions to some people ded come close to me.. hmmm.. i know itz kinda stupid to have dis kind of answer.. but pls.. forgive n forget me coz of dis matter.. n don't ask my status anymore.. coz i'll give u the same answer.. i am still single.. n single.. n single.. anytime.. anywhere.. i'm not belong to anyone.. well, actually my hearts still belong to him.. to the person who i shouldn't really fall in love with.. u are asking me, what did he done to me within only two month for love relationship?? n i'll said itz secret.. let me keep it to myself..n i won't share it with anyone..yes, i admit ded we just meet for once.. we have no special date yet like the other couple.. we are not ded close.. texting everyday..no.. we r not like ded...but he do leave a great affects in my life... i do love him.. n honestly love him, but i think itz a very big mistakes to have such feeling to him. now i know n believe ded he would never be mine.. within this one month of our separation i keep thinking about it, n to be honest i can't really forget about him, the pain is still bleeding.. but after all dis while i teach myself to accept the facts n really salute him..he is loyal n have a true love.. which is not everyone have.. congratz for it, n i wish their relationship will stay forever.. (apa yg dia ada, yg tue saja yg dia nk.. n nk.. sbg contoh org yg ada bantal busuk mmg xkn bole tuka dgn bantal bru.. n dia ttp nk yg tue ja... n klo org lain mnum teh, tp dia sk milo,den dia ttp nk milo.. sbb dia sk milo ja..) <---- cth sifat dia dlm pcintaan..or pape yg lain..

itz unfair for the others who had shown me hardly their love n concern rite? i'm so sory.. rtie now itz still hard for me to believe,to trust.. to give my hearts to anyone.. i still live in phobia n trauma, i'm not trying to exaggerate the situation n dis feeling. but itz the reality.. i know if someone has face dis kinds of situation, she or he will truly understand it.. i can't fall in love even i try.. all dis while if anyone come n text me..yes'i'll reply but just for a few messages n den i'll leave him without any words especially when he do ask me for a relationship or my status..omg, i wish u guys could forgive me for ded such treats..i hope u can understand it.. itz not easy for me NOW to accept new person in my life..in my heart.. really sory..

btw, thanks a lotz for ur concern.. i appreciate ded, but i can't give u anything, n pls don't hope for anything, even u are the new person in my life. or u have become one of my lover previously.. just don't don't hope for anything.. i dun deserve for u.. go n find another girls who deserve to get ur love.. dun fall on me.. i dun deserve ded.. i'm sorry..


You set my heart on fire
To make me stick like glue
You know I'm coming
Down to the point of fear

You make me eat myself
I scream I pain in vain
To lose the last bit of identity
And forget humanity


p/: if you can see my heart beating u can see it trough my chest,ded i'm tear apart.. really..i'm sory..

a few wish n determination for dis maal hijrah

actually i wanna rite dis on the first day of muharram, but my lappy still sick n i can't use it too much or not he will explode,i won't ded happening to him.. i love him so much, he's the most important creature for me.. huhuhu.. sounds awkward rite? but deds the reality.. i love my gadget.. like my camera,booboo,lappy n phone, they are my just like my own life... i can't live without dem..huhuh.. but i'm not materialistic at
all..itz just they all are very important for me..daaa..itz enough3..huhu..
come back to the actual purpose.. ngee.. i know itz quite weird n people who knows me will laugh at me rite?but itz the reality rite now..

ok..1st of all, i really dun satisfy with my results.. yeah, i am thankful for ded.. yes, really thankful.. but i have to work for it more n more.. i believe to myself ded i can do it.. but i need more n more effort n courage.. so, for next sem, nothing else is more important den study,come on effy.. itz degree not asasi or wat.. itz not the time to play.. but the worry i won't left my interest, hobby behind.. like music, art, shoping.. itz still in my life... but i have to choose the priority ded is STUDY!!
oh my god! pls guide me.. I HATE THE LAZY EFY! wuaa.. frenss,moms, dad.. pls keep encourage me.. aa.. for dis time i don't need a boyfee to encourage me..!!!

ooo... boyfee stuff? yes, i dun wanna have any boyfee.. i don't want n i really don't. want it.. when i keep shouting dis words during dis holiday, my both sisters juz laugh n laugh at me... y? dis is becoz they don't trust me.. they keep saying ded efy salu kata cmtue tp poyo ja.. well, they are actually a thousands of reason.. y i won't have a boyfee.. when i was all alone in shah alm for a very long time, i think about it a lot.. i keep think forward n talk to myself wat should i do.. if i said ded i won't have a bf.. doesn't mean ded i dun wanna LOVE n BEING LOVE.. but i just think something different n beneficial for me.. itz was a very long story.. hahaha..

money??
aaa.. i dun think i can save up my money.. bcoz i need to use the money for the important purpose.. but, i'll try my best to save some of it n keep it in asb so ded i will not use it..hahaah.. about business? i still think about it.. ermm..

health?ermm.. as usual, migrain which is like a routine for me to suffer from it.. but i hope in this new year n for the future i won't suffer it no more.. coz i've a lotz of thing to do other den sleep n eat those pill..

personalities n the way i dress up myself? actually i'm thinking about changing it.. i wanna become a new effy which is different the present efy.. i wanna dress like 20 n above.. look more matured.. act like the adult.. walk like the adult.. use the handbag instead of using those cartoons.. wearing a plain shirt.. wearing heels? other den my kasut getah.. but most of my cousins said i shouldn't be some1 else.. they said i'll look lame n boring.. but wat about u my frens? any suggestion? should i change? yes, they do ask me why i wanna change it? i said ded i am about to turn 20 so i have to change.. n the other reason is.. I DUN WANNA PEOPLE FROM 24 N ABOVE TO TREAT ME LIKE I AM 16.. i hate ded facts ok? u think i am younger den u, den u can anything u like to me???!!! hey watch out ur ass first.. perghh.. wat a very rude people.. don't ask who is ded lucky person.. if my frens who read n read my blog.. u'll know who's the lucky person..hahahaahah..
n wat else??? i'll add it more.. ;)


p/s: oh god.. pls give me strength to work on it.. ;)

andainya kau bisa..

andainya kau bisa mengerti,
hatiku hanyalah utkmu..
andainya kau bisa membaca hatiku,
diriku amat merindui dirimu..
andainya kau bisa melihat,
diriku sentiasa memerlukan dirimu..
andainya kau bisa pahami,
hidupku tidak bermakna tanpamu..
kembalilah padaku,
jika hatimu masih untukku
ku berjanji tidak akn
mensiakan cintamu..
kerna hanya kaulah yg satu di hatiku...


p/s: angan2 sahaja.. huhuhu..

separuh jiwaku pergi..

tadi masa rest2 jap, my adik suh dgr lagu nie n tujukan dekat mr.f.. OMG, lpas dgr lagu nie trus menangis..hee~ y?????

tp sgt trase la lagu nie, sbb anang wat lagu nie time kris dayanti curang dgn die.. huuu.. cdey.. erm... actually mr.f xcurang,ttp kembali kpd cinta pertama..huhu..


try la ek dgr n hayati lyrics nie..

separuh jiwaku pergi

memang indah semua
tapi berakhir luka

kau main hati
dengan sadarmu
kau tinggal aku

reff:
benar ku mencintaimu
tapi tak begini
kau khianati hati ini
kau curangi aku
[2x]

kau bilang tak pernah bahagia
selama dengan aku
itu ucap bibirmu

kau dustakan semua
yang kita bina
kau hancurkan semua

repeat reff [2x]

benar ku mencintaimu


p/s: seyesly, mnanges lpas dgr n tmbh2 lg tgk vclip tue.. huhuhu..ermm...